One year. Exactly one year ago, my life had an entirely different story.
The year 2016-2017 was probably the worst year of my entire life.
I didn’t realize that I was living in hell in the year 2016 until I came out of it. I was in a toxic relationship (kind of) and towards the end of May 2017, I concluded that there was no point in wasting my energy on something that has no direction. But what followed was terrible.
I left social media (I’ll talk about life without it in another blog) and disappeared from the face of Earth. We had our summer break then.
Now I don’t remember much from last year, but I do remember this particular date. Why? Because it was my dad’s birthday. That’s it? Um, certainly not. This was the day when I’d decided to give a full stop to my life. Yes. I made a decision of killing myself on the 1st of May.
I’ll tell you how I’d got to that point.
Again, I don’t recall what happened on the 16th but I do remember that I had an argument with my parents. That wasn’t the first one. I’d had multiple arguments with them ever since I stopped talking to him. I was losing my mind and not a single soul had a clue. I didn’t know how to reach out for help, I didn’t know if I even wanted to be helped and I was lost. I didn’t know if I was good at anything and constantly felt worthless. Watching my friends work hard broke me even more. Even if I tried to study, I just couldn’t. At such a stage in your life, you’d like to have some support. Sadly, I didn’t have it and it’s all my fault. I should have tried seeking help, but I was too scared. ‘What would they think?’ was and till date is my biggest fear.
I was rampant and I hurt my parents’ feelings. I disobeyed and screamed at them for trivial things and of course, they reacted the way any parent would and scream back at me.
I’d reached that point in life where I felt that people would be happier if I was gone. Since I had no friends and my ex didn’t treat me well and my parents were utterly disappointed in me and my grades were pretty low and I didn’t know what to do with my life, I started considering suicide as an option.
Even my worst enemy (I don’t have any) shouldn’t go through what I went through. Ever. It is THE WORST feeling. Every single person deserves to be loved and respected.
And that argument on 16th April (which I still don’t remember) made me decide to kill myself.
If anything went wrong, I’d just reassure myself by saying that ‘don’t worry honey, you’ll be gone and then they’ll be at peace.’ That made me happy. I’d become this emotionless sack of flesh and bones and this reassurance put some feelings into me.
On 18th April I guess, I actually ‘practiced’ by cutting my wrist with a not-so-sharp-but-sharp-enough-to-pierce-through-my-skin object. Do you know what it felt like? It felt like nothing. It didn’t hurt me. I just watched a little blood surface up and that’s all.
However, on the night of 30th May, I wanted to give my life a second chance. Despite knowing the fact that unintentionally I’d given life more than one-second chances, I wanted to give it just one last try.
After that what happened is a blur. I can’t remember anything from April, all through October and maybe even later.
I hope that this could help at least one person to not feel alone. No one will ever know what it’s like to feel what you are feeling but I can always empathize with you, and I will. Because I care about you. All of you. And there is always going to be a person who’ll care for you. Just be strong and you’ll get through this.
Thanks for reading my rant guys :’)
It means a lot.
I’ll see you soon.